Where there is good, evil lurks in the shadows (16)

When I was about fifteen years old,  I had gone through a depression at some point. I felt weird and funky all over. I felt out of place and nobody understood me. Even a nice long walk couldn't cheer me up. I kept my head down and always felt heavy and weak. I was convinced God didn't love me and I felt useless. Of course, I was a teenager at the time, so I was dealing with hormones raging through me like a crazy bull, but from the outside, you could never tell. I would go to school, carrying my Walkman stuffed in my hoodie pocket listening to Thirty Seconds to Mars over and over with my head down, secretly writing/drawing in my journal. I had pricked the ends of all my fingers one day, because I had wanted to feel the invigorating pain as it reminded me of how alive I am. Was it normal to do? Could I blame it on being an emotional teenager?

Until one night, I had gone to sleep and had a series of nightmares. In my first dream, I saw my soul walking around my body as I slept.  I sensed my soul was sad, lonely. My second dream, I was struggling up the stairs to heaven, so exhausted and weak, I slumped there and unable to move. The stairs were a pristine white just as the clouds that bobbed around against the baby blue sky. Despite the beauty,  I felt ugly.  I remember I woke at one point and ran into my parents bedroom. Fifteen and scared out of my mind. I turned and crawled back into my own bed and I must've fallen asleep quickly,  because just then, the devil himself appeared to me on the left side of my bed. I remember it like it happened yesterday.  He had a gravitational pull on my face, forcing me to look at his face. I felt the strong pull on my neck. His face was dark red, covered in oily boils, his eyes were small, beady and inhuman, the color of yellow urine. His teeth were stalagmites and stalactites, grimy and yellow. I desperately struggled to pull my face away, because I knew I was looking straight at the face of Hell. He continued to grasp his strong pull on me and he began to speak to me. His voice hoarse, unworldly and no other human could ever,  EVER, replicate such a hideously disgusting voice. "I'm going to cut your throat open...on your sixteenth birthday,  I will kill you."
I cried out. I prayed. I cried out to God, SAVE ME. WAKE ME UP.  I prayed the Hail Mary...and suddenly, from the left side bed corner, I felt and saw imprints of hands and knees crawling across my bed, my body, waking me up from this nightmare. I turned to my right and saw an outline of a tall slim figure with vast wings that reached the ceiling. Her figure was somewhat clear/see-through and couldn't be seen like a human would be seen, but I knew immediately she was my guardian angel. She had saved me. To this day, thinking back on that sends chills up and down my spine and frightened tears to my eyes. I know deep down that dream was real. The depression and negativity I harbored only fed the devil, which I figured out what he gravitates towards. I saw Hell that night in a matter of seconds, minutes, but it was enough to where I feared sin. I realize our guardian angels are always fighting off demons, constantly protecting us against the invisible evil. Just because we don't see doesn't mean it's not there, lurking in the shadows for a weak soul. Just as Jesus keeps His promises, so does the devil. On my sixteenth birthday, I nearly slipped in the shower, but I felt something had caught me and kept me from falling and suddenly I am reminded of that night, how the devil wished me dead. Always remain in the light of God, even on your darkest days and despair is knocking at your door, pray to St. Michael the Arch angel to shove the devil back down to the pits of hell, because, after all, God loves us and calls out to us all, even on our meanest and darkest of days, He gave us angels to show us the light, even if it's the billionth time.

Butterfly Kisses (15)

A couple of weeks ago, as I was jogging, a yellow butterfly came and kissed me on the cheek. Yes, I was moving at a decent speed, so naturally,  anybody would think the butterfly flew into me. However,  that wasn't the feeling I had in my heart. I took it as a sign. I saw through the eyes of my heart that God likes to remind us that He is near and anything is possible.

Sometimes the signs are all around us and they're not that hard to see, you just have to have a little faith. October is the month of Mary; I've been saying my rossary in honor of the Blessed Mother. I stroll out back amongst the trees, flowers and mountains in the distance, and I sometimes come across a yellow butterfly flying beside me and I know she's with me.

Flashback about a month ago, the day of my job interview and before the interview was even set, I prayed to God to guide me that whatever is meant to be His will then let it be. Just then a beautiful black monarch butterfly was flying beside me as I walked. Afterwards, I found out about the job interview. I took that as a sign that whatever happens will be for the best because it's from God. Again,  as I strolled out back along the circle trail,  I prayed to the Blessed Mother and simply said you know what I need the most. I eventually go inside at the right time and received a call for a job offer. I know it's silly to think, but I thought back about that black monarch butterfly and knew that it was meant to be a ll along.

Searching for Liz (14)

God lets me know that He is with me in the small things. He tries to restore in us a sense of hope. A few weeks ago, I was stretching after a run when I had gotten a random number calling me. It's not out of the ordinary to have an annoying telemarketer calling or just someone whom mistakenly dialed the wrong number. It happens to all of us. Normally,  I ignore those calls and say to myself,  if it's important they will leave a message.
However,  this particular sunny day, the tiny voice within me told me to answer. So, I did.
"Hello," I said.
"Liz? " her tone was filled with an emotional exhaustion,  as if searching for this woman named Liz was her only hope, her last chance of hope.
Obviously I told her I was not Liz and she had the wrong number.
"Oh forget it.." she responded, and I could hear her heart plummet and she was clearly tired and hung up the phone before I could say another word. As I walked around the little trail, I pondered on how many families are out there desperately searching for one another. Disagreements arise while jealousy ensues and that's when grudges are given a new life. We forget who we are as we let the fire consume us from within. We forget why we're angry, why we're upset in the first place that we mistaken a grudge as a crutch to lean on for support. A grudge becomes a wall around one's heart and that wall needs to crumble. How many family members out there are searching for one another? Too many to wrap my head around. Maybe her grudge of a wall was beginning to slowly crumble and she was reaching out to apologize? Or maybe she was calling to forgive? Whatever the case,  maybe there are some of us trying to bridge the gap between loved ones and wanting to start anew. Let the past belong in the past and live in the moment. Listen to that little voice within your heart and seek forgiveness and find a new hope. We shouldn't allow our past dictate our lives. Yes, learn from your past, but don't allow it to rule you otherwise you'll be leaning on that crutch called a grudge. I've heard family members of my own to stop talking because they either can't handle the truth or become too prideful to seek forgiveness.  Let it go. It's not worth the heartache. I'm not sure if this older woman had found Liz, but I hope she finds peace in seeking her because that's halfway toward forgiveness and hope.  It begins with having the faith to get there. Once we could find the tiny flame of faith within us than that is half the battle and there, we find Him. I hope we all find our Liz because God created family to be together, love and respect and laugh with one another. On the days that it is most difficult to love, respect and find joy in one another are the days we need each other the most.

The dream (13)

Last night I had the most vivid, yet surreal dream. The room was empty with white walls as the sun revealed it was mid afternoon. I looked up at the ceiling and saw that there was an oddly shaped hole in the ceiling.  Think of Picasso and his surreal shapes of melting clocks. I climbed up through the hole and suddenly found myself amongst a vast ocean and above me were thick, ominous gray clouds. The impending storm. Not even a hint of sunlight. Despite the sudden fear and anxiety I felt and the never-ending vastness of the ocean, the waters were utterly still and calm and not a ripple to disturb its peace. The impending chaos in which we have no control over, no say and no way to stop its haste was ready to tear through calm waters, which is the soul. I glanced all around me, the vast ocean which seemed to swallow me while my heart raced...where does it end? I feared this intimidation. Yet, I hung on. I did not drown. The ocean is my soul and its peace and steadiness comes from the hand of God.  We all go through storms in life, whether personal or political. Either way, we should remain like the ocean, vast and never-ending like God's
love and mercy and calm as the peace He alone could embrace us with.